How does a parent deal with their child's death?

My answer: Probably Badly

This is my first draft.

Who anticipates such a thing?
Even though I had been in a very bad car accident years previously and thought I would die and believed I had come to terms with death, maybe my eventual death, I never really anticipated one of my children dieing before me.

Where are the handbooks, articles, letters, and quotes?
My experience with my parents deaths and Church Ministers and funerals was dismal, no comfort, mostly an opportunity for ministers to recruit and people to feel awkward.

What would qualify someone to author such a handbook?
Which author, who has had a child die, feels they have some insight? And why do they think they have insight.
Here is an short article on death of a child.
http://www.griefworksbc.com/inc/DeathofaChild.asp
A short article on male grief.
http://www.griefworksbc.com/inc/FathersGrief.asp
A very short article on accidental, murder or sucide grief.
http://www.griefworksbc.com/inc/ComplicatedGrief.asp


Around 1982 I wrote an article about how to comfort a hurt child. See my article at http://www.ehow.com/how_2027316_comfort-hurt-child.html .
I made no claim to know how to comfort a parent about the loss of their child, nor how to cope day to day with such a loss.

Some things that seem important to me now, four years later, in no particular order.
1. Talk about it. If you cannot find a partner, relative, friend who you can talk about it with, find a counselor.
2. Cry when you will and can, stop crying when you need to. Loosing your composure is OK, good thing to loose now and then. Too much composure stuffs your brain.
3. Find or create ceremonies of remembrance that mean something to you.
4. Sample, be open to various bereavement activities that people do or have done.
5. Accept condolences as given to you. They are doing the best they can.
6. Take time to work through your feelings. Be with your self. Write about it.
7. Don't make major decisions for a long time.
8. You are vulnerable and there are people who will take advantage of you.
9. Learning some of the worse things that happen to our children.
10.Accepting and honoring the gift of my child's life.

Surprises that helped!
1. Friends who looked after immediate funeral, memorial, personal arrangements.
The Year Later Rememberence Activities at the 'Bay'.
a. Viking funeral, old kayak burned with the outgoing tide at night, sitting beside the boat for hours before with some ashes, photos, mementos.
The children's honour guard on the beach holding ballon swords, the kind of thing David would have made and played with them with.
b. Aboriginal ceremony of Burning food and saying some words in a group of friends.
c. Placing my son's ashes under a big cedar tree where each mourner took a turn placing a spoon of ashes and shared a moment of silence.
d. The breakfast morning with a friend who shared his cabin with my son and I before the Year Later ceremony.
3. An Korean ESL student of mine who took my hand in both of hers, looked me in the eyes and said "I so sorry,
4. A weekly men's berievment group.
5. Carving soapstone images of my sons 'Mother Earth' design.
6. Talking and writing about my feelings.
7. Taking as much time as I need to accept things will never be the same.