My son, David Undem, was left brain dead from a fall on July 21, 2004.
Airlift evacuation from the Bay to hospital was not available. David’s wife and a friend took David took David by small boat to the Seashelt Hospital. Seashelt hospital placed David on life support and flew him to Vancouver General Hospital which deals with organ donation.
After coming home from a Toastmasters meeting I got a phone call from Davids mother say that there had been a very bad accident and David was being flown into Vancouver General Hospital, come. Mother, father, wife and six week old daughter and several friends met at the hospital Emergency Ward.
Just after midnight July 22, 2004, Vancouver neurologist, Dr. Ho, confirmed his prognosis with the results of a brain scan. Operating to relieve the pressure would be useless. David would never recover from the brain injury as a result of concussion, swelling and bleeding within the skull. Dr. Ho speculated that my son would have been brain dead within minutes of his fall and there was nothing any doctor could have done to save him, even if the accident happened outside the Vancouver General Hospital. Dr. Ho said David would likely never open his eyes again or understand anything.
Dr. Ho then asked the family to consider organ donation. Dr. Ho posed the choice between harvesting David's healthy organs for transplant or having the brain dead body linger and eventually die but the organs would have deteriorated and consequently not usable for transplant. My son Mike ran out of the Emergency ward howling and I followed to be with him on the curb of a street in a residential apartment zone.
In previous years, David and I had talked about organ donation. I have been the victim of a life threatening car accident. I was a driver's license registered organ donor. I knew my son's undocumented personal opinion: "Yes." David would want to have his organs used to help others live a better life as was my wish for myself. He would want to receive an organ if he needed such a transplant himself.
Contributing organs is not a gift, it is the responsibility a two-way street, not just to receive but also to contribute. Recieving an organ should not be like winning a lottery prize you do not have to buy a ticket for. You pay for the chance of using someone elses organ by being willing to donate your organs if you die.
I led our family's discussion in recommending his organs be harvested.
I also knew my son's "No" opinion about continuing life support to a brain dead body: "No" to the lingering suffering for the body; "No" to the lingering emotional suffering for the family; "No" to the pointless expense to our BC Medical system.
Hospital beds and staff are in great need of people who can recover. I have a long-suffering friend whose partner lingered for years. My son's wife, brother, mother and my self chose to have his healthy organs "harvested" to fill a great need in six or seven people's lives.
? check times Doctors took his organs around 11pm that evening, July 22. The last I saw my warm breathing son was in the early morning hours of July 22, 2004, around 4 am. I got to sit with him for about 15 minuites. The intensive care ward staff wanted us out. There was confussion that a monitor recorded a brain revival and a male nurse made some strange comments which were revoked. My wife and I had a teenage girl alone at home and we needed to drive back and look after her.
My son looked as if he were just sleeping on a hospital bed. How do you say, "Good bye Forever," to your son while he waits for the organ harvest? You must have full belief that your doctors are competent and have told you the truth. I did. I found only meek courage because bravery has fled.
I moved slowly along this painful path drawing from the depths of exhausted self control. Along my path of saying good bye, I had to learn how to hospital-scrub my hands before I could touch my son. Then I held one warm, strong, hairy knee with one hospital-clean hand and my son's warm, capable hand with my other hand.
Together, we struggled with disbelief to say, "good bye," and part of me still would not believe it. I could say the words well by knowing we had talked together about so many things, organ donation included. I found some comfort reviewing with my son that some of his organs will give life to other people. How do you leave your son's side before he is wheeled to the organ harvester?
I left a little further along my path of shock, acceptance, disbelief and grief. I left the room in need of the care of the grieving people around me and the hospital staff. Can a parent really believe their son is suddenly brain dead or comprehend what is happening? A few hours ago he was a strong man, a new father, a good neighbor helping a neighbor. Part of me could and part of me could not believe, often still cannot believe it.
Later the next day our family and friends were told David's organs were harvested and would be used to help maybe seven people on the organ transplant waiting list. We were told his heart had deteriorated as a result of the severe brain injury and could not be transplanted.
I did the responsible thing but the BC Cornor, Medical system andVGH did not allowing me to view my son's remains. I needed to see my dead son's body, I was in part denying my son was dead. But the coroner's office said No and I was not able to deal with the situation with the burocracy. I needed to spend some time with my son's dead body. I asked to see my dead son's remains.
Hours earlier he just seemed asleep on a hospital bed. I needed to know he was dead. Does this sound unusual, weird, untoward or unfamiliar to hospital management, apparently to the Coroner's Office? A family friend who grieved with us that night asked VGH on my behalf, that I be allowed to see my son's remains. She also happened to work as a counseling psychologist at VGH. She knew who and how to ask. She returned with the message that the VGH Morgue would not let me view my son's remains - something about a lack of staff. (I now have a letter from VGH patient relations saying the Coroner declined my request).
I was in too much shock to demand, bargain or fight for what I needed. I would have to wait five days until the body was received at the Funeral Home before I could cry over my son's body.What does it take for a parent to spend the time he needs with his child's dead body? I needed to cry, to talk to him and that is not crazy or unusual. Maybe I should have sounded crazy and threatened to stop the organ donation.
Maybe threatening to withhold one eyeball would have let me see my dead son. I needed to grieve over my son's dead body. That is not strange. What is almost unspeakably strange is the Coroner denying a parent viewing their child's last remains. I told my family doctor about this incident. He phoned VGH and was told it was not VGH policy to deny such visits. For me, our BC Medicare organ donation system is broken. I can no longer recommend anyone be part of donating organs until the system is fixed. The Coroner and VGH did not allow me to grieve over my dead son's body after his organs were harvested.
I am a driver's license, registered organ donor who led our family's decision to have David Undem's organs donated, but the organ donation system is seriously flawed and needs to be fixed or potential donors advised of the ramifications of their decision. It is my further responsibility to get this system fixed or advise potential organ donors of the consequences of their "gift".
I went into depression and I sought both client centered and psychriatic counselling. As a result of that counselling I understand that I needed to spend time with my brain dead son before he went to the organ harvesters. The hospital system steered me away from doing that. I was never offered the opportunity and I can understand dealing with a shocked grief striken parent may be difficult and involve a specially trained staff member the hospital system does not have. There were many hours my son lay alone before his organs were taken near midnight on July 22. How I regret my decision to donate his organs, I wish I had said No and I had stayed with him until he died.
I understand current hospital policy is the next of kin or designate has to take away life support for a brain dead person.
Viking Ship Burial
I got to spend some of those hours symbolically a year latter during a home grown ceremoney his wife Kim created, David had told her he wanted a viking burial ceremony if he should ever die first. She patched up an old plywood kyack, filled it with rock and firewood, set the bones from his askes in a jar, arranged the old dreadlocks he had cut off a few years ago, added some of his art and tools and in the evening it was waiting for the outgoing tide at 11 pm. I sat with the kyack on the beach waiting for the tide, I sat for hours. Around 11 pm the tide started going out, an honour guard of children holding viking balloon swords led the farewell honours. Three canoes accompanied the burning viking burial kyack and followed its drift across the bay. The fames died out an hour later, my son Micheal told me they had to sink the boat that wouldn't sink. After these ceremonies my depression lifted significantly. I got to spend the time I needed to say goodby. Oh other ceremonies too, I want to tell you about.
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